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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22763950">Road to Recovery</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Caring Victor Nikiforov, Christophe Giacometti &amp; Victor Nikiforov Friendship, Eating Disorders, First Meetings, Hurt/Comfort, I will add tags as I go, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Influencers, Internet Famous, M/M, Makkachin is best girl, Men Crying, Mental Health Issues, NOBODY WILL DIE NO MATTER HOW DARK IT GETS, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Phichit Chulanont Is a Good Friend, Rated M for Themes, Recovery, Self-Hatred, The book is Dear Evan Hansen the Novel, This is a recovery story, YouTubers - Freeform, dark themes, victor and chris are roommates, yuuri reads a real book</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 12:14:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,103</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22763950</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Insert Yuuri Katsuki. He had dreams and aspirations, so what happened? Where did it go wrong? When did it all crumble and can his friends catch him before it's too late?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>84</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     Careful fingers pulled the black button-down shirt onto his frame. Chocolate eyes followed his hands as he secured each button in the hole across from it. The smooth hands ran down the length of his body as he gazed into the mirror. Black hair sat lifeless atop the head of the person staring back at him from that glass plane.</p><p>     The person looking back at him was nearly identical, except this person was what the internet saw. Even though his face was a mystery to those online, he felt like a puppet to his following of 1 million.</p><p>     He had lost multiple pounds due to comments saying he was too plump, likely due to eating all the sweets he baked. Others judge his figure even now after the weight loss. Many fans thought the change in lifestyle was his own idea and didn’t realize it was due to the harsh comments.</p><p>     None of them noticed how little he tasted food now. His friends did though, and many were worried for their once ambitious friend. He had simply started a cooking channel to practice dishes in his free time while he saved for his dream of a café, but now he spoke of not wanting that dream anymore. They worried about that sudden change that was so out of character for their friend.</p><p>     Closing his eyes, he left his bedroom and walked into his kitchen where he had everything set up to make today’s dish. Just something simple today. He had planned to make some cupcakes during a livestream, but he would also give some tutorials on icing techniques and the like. Livestreams weren’t his forte. Others were more charisma were better at it, he was certain.</p><p>     After double-checking his equipment and that he had everything set up and in frame, minus his face, he started the stream.</p><p>     From behind the camera, he spoke with a chipper voice,” Good evening foodies. I’m glad to see so many of you here tonight. I’ve noticed some rise in the stats lately, so I suppose I should do some basic rules again right? I haven’t done that in a while.” He paused to make his way to the front and waved,” You know me as KatsuDamn. Everybody online calls me Katsu though. Before you ask, yes, I’m Asian. I lived in Japan for most of my life, but I live in America now. Haven’t shaken the accent.”</p><p>     Katsu watched comments from new users announcing themselves as he spoke and others saying hello,” I do take requests, but to make one you’ll have to join my Patreon where I post polls quite often on what you’d like. Top tier lets you choose a dish I make. If you’d like to know more about my Patreon, there’s more information on my page. I do suggest becoming one though. Without them, I couldn’t afford all these lovely ingredients.”</p><p>     A chuckle escaped him as he continued going over basics,” I do choose to remain fairly anonymous. My face isn’t shown in any videos and the only name you get is Katsu, so please don’t ask. If you ask for personal information too much the lovely Mods will remove you… I think that covers it. If I forgot anything, you can find it in the Question and Answers section in the description. Now, let’s get baking!” He clapped his hands together excitedly and got to work.</p><p>     Quite a time passed while he worked, laughing and interacting with his fans, telling them a few things here and there. A notification pinged on his phone near the end during decorating and he apologized,” That was just a notification for Victor Nikiforov posting a video. Looks like I have some plans when this stream ends.”</p><p>     The comments blew up over how he was a fan of Victor. They wanted to know why. Victor didn’t cook. Quite the opposite, since in a video of him trying he had failed quite badly and burnt the box brownies. Katsu laughed and hummed,” Well, when I was younger, I skated for fun. I also dance sometimes still. My best friend is into makeup too, so there are similarities. His channel is what I go to when I need a boost.”</p><p>     His fans asked if he had ever met Victor and Katsu sighed,” Of course not, are you guys crazy? I’m a nobody and he’s like… a God or something. Total different playing fields. I doubt he’s ever seen me anyway.”</p><p>     Suddenly, the comments were flying, leaving Katsu very confused, “Why are you all so worked up? Did I miss something?” He caught a comment screaming about twitter and he picked up his phone, going behind the camera. He saw a huge amount of notifications,” Well… I guess something did happen?”</p><p>     He opened it and nearly dropped his phone at a photo of Victor holding a quite… ugly cupcake, but a cupcake nonetheless. He had tagged the KatsuDamn Twitter and captioned it, “Thanks to the cutest baking channel ever, I finally made something edible!”</p><p>     He covered his mouth and stared, “I uh… I think I’m going to get going for today my Foodies. I need to have a serious nap and call some friends over to take these cupcakes off my hands. Have a nice day, I’ll work on condensing this down for a video to post later.”</p><p>     The camera stopped and right away his phone rang, a hamster emoji telling him his best friend was calling. He answered as he sat down. A familiar voice flooded his ears,” Yuuri! Victor watched your stream! How are you taking it?”</p><p>     Yuuri stared at the ceiling, “I… I don’t know really. I never expected this to be something that’d happen?” A realization smacked him,” He heard me talk about liking his channel! Phichit! I don’t know what to do. Have you ever been noticed like this!?”</p><p>     The male on the other end of the call let out a sigh,” Well, yeah. I’ve met Victor before even. He lives in our city after all. I never told you he watched you before because I knew you’d panic, just like you are right now.”</p><p>     There was a brief moment of silence where Yuuri almost hated how much his best friend knew about him, but that’s why he got the honor of being his best friend,” C-could you come over? I need you to take the cupcakes and… talk to me through this.”</p><p>     Rustling was heard over the phone,” Of course Yuuri. I’ll be there in 10 minutes. We’re going out tonight to get your mind off of things, got it?” He hung up before Yuuri could argue.</p><p>     Yuuri sighed and waited for Phichit to arrive, moving to lay on his couch as he waited. Phichit had a key, so Yuuri allowed himself to fall into a daze, staring off into a corner of the room. So much happened so fast… What would happen now?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Content warning-<br/>self-hatred<br/>mention of self-harm<br/>implied eating disorder<br/>(Please tell me if I forgot something)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     Knocking sounded throughout the apartment that knocked Yuuri from his daze. He didn’t make an effort to move. Yuuri listened to the sound of a key turning in the lock. This was why he had given him his spare. Some days he just didn’t have the energy to get up. </p>
<p>     A door opened and closed. He felt movement when the weight of a person sat beside him. Yuuri took a steadying breath and looked at his friend,” What… what do I do now?”</p>
<p>     Phichit sighed and looked at his friend who hadn’t even changed out of his clothes from the stream,” Well… you go on. Victor isn’t a new fan of yours Yuuri, and he’s a pretty nice guy too. He isn’t that unreachable face you talk like he is.” A nod from Yuuri confirmed he was listening “So… want to go out? Or we could stay in and watch movies.”</p>
<p>     Biting his lip, Yuuri looked at his best friend,” I-I think we should get out of the house. Maybe not out really, but maybe just… the park. Or some coffee. Just… out.” Yuuri deciding on his own to leave the house brought a smile to Phichit’s face,” Great! You go shower and I’ll pick you a super cute outfit.” Before he could protest Phichit had already run off to Yuuri’s room to raid his closet.</p>
<p>     Yuuri sighed and pulled himself up off of the couch, trudging off in the direction of the bathroom. He didn’t bother turning on the lights. He didn’t want to see himself in the mirrors or in the shower. The darkness engulfing the room was the easiest way to get through this everyday task that others found so simple.</p>
<p>     As he peeled the clothes off his mind began to go into a fog of depression and self-hatred. Why were everyday tasks so difficult for him? Was he just a failure at even the most trivial things? What If people looking at him could tell that he couldn’t even look at his own reflection and judged him about it? It was irrational… but what if people knew? Fearing his own reflection surely wasn’t normal.</p>
<p>     He didn’t look down at his body as he started the water of the shower. He didn’t need to look down to know it was littered with scars, cuts, and stretch marks. Ugly. Marred. Imperfect. Broken. Who could love somebody whose body was so damaged anyway? He had accepted long ago that he’d be alone for the rest of his life.</p>
<p>     Showering was a task that sometimes took Phichit coming over to urge him to take one. He’d have to convince Yuuri that he should shower even if he wasn’t leaving the house, or he would make Yuuri leave the house just to get him to shower. Occasionally this did not work and Yuuri would stew in depression for a week, doing little else.</p>
<p>     Water cascaded over him as he moved on instinct. Wash his hair. Scrub down his skin. Ignore the burn of soap in wounds. None of it was new and none of it phased him. He was starting to feel numb to the sensation, only going through it because he had to. It was added to a list of chores to keep himself going if even barely.</p>
<p>     Once the water began running cold, he got out to dry himself. He stared at the dark wall as he dried himself. He knew this wasn’t normal, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t even remember back to when this became his normal. It just felt like this was always how it was.</p>
<p>     A knock on the bathroom door caused Yuuri to jump,” A-almost done.” He let out a breath he’d had no idea he was holding.</p>
<p>     “Yuuri, I picked you out a super comfy and cute outfit. Promise I didn’t choose booty shorts this time! The clothes are on your bed when you feel up to getting ready.” After speaking, footsteps left to indicate Phichit had left.</p>
<p>     Wrapping the towel around his waist, Yuuri left the bathroom. He called out a thanks to his friend before going to his bedroom to get dressed in what Phichit picked out for him.  The outfit he’d picked caused Yuuri to smile in relief. It was just a pair of joggers that Phichit claimed looked great on his figure and a loose pastel blue hoodie with a muffin on it.</p>
<p>     Yuuri pulled on a pair of briefs and then got dressed, relaxing into the soft comfort clothes. This made him feel much more comfortable in his skin than the clothes for his stream did. It at least helped him feel comfortable leaving the house.</p>
<p>     He walked out of his room and flopped down on the couch beside Phichit,” Please tell me you have a plan. I don’t want to make decisions…”</p>
<p>     Phichit smiled,” Of course I have a plan. That plan is going out to eat. Three options though.” He held up two fingers. “Do you want Katsudon from that place we used to go all the time, a diner, or just nibble around in the food court at the mall?”</p>
<p>     Biting his lip, Yuuri thought about the choices. Katsudon sounded good, but would it make him gain weight? Maybe today could be a cheat day… “I think it’s been too long since I’ve eaten Katsudon… but I think I’ll only have a small bowl.”</p>
<p>     Phichit smiled widely, “Of course! I’ll drive.” He jumped up and went to get his shoes. Yuuri followed after him, pulling on his shoes. At least he could relax and indulge a little tonight. There was no way for his following online to know about his little binge tonight anyway. Tonight was for him. He could ignore the internet’s opinions for one night.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am so sorry about the wait. I had this chapter mostly written quite soon after the last chapter, but then a lot of things happened. </p>
<p>I hope you're all okay during this pandemic. Even if I don't know any of you, you all mean so much to me and I hope you're all right.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                The night was coming onto the horizon as the friends drove to the restaurant. Yuuri leaned on the window and watched the colors of the sunset from his seat in the passenger side of the car. The sky was bright as the sun began to sink to bring in the night. Beautiful.</p>
<p>                They soon arrived at the small homey Japanese joint that Yuuri had come to love. It had been so long and seeing the place in person made him feel slightly guilty for just not coming. The owners were sweet people who treated him well. He hoped they wouldn’t be upset with him for being gone for so long. How could he even explain his absence? ‘Hey, sorry I haven’t been around. Strangers on the internet called me fat and I couldn’t bring myself to disagree.’ His mood deflated a bit at the thought.</p>
<p>                Phichit gave him a gentle nudge with his elbow with a smile,” Let’s go splurge tonight. We can work it off tomorrow morning with a light jog and a trip to that new smoothie shop. Sound fun?”</p>
<p>                Yuuri smiled a little bit. Well… if he worked it off and didn’t make this a habit… it wouldn’t be so bad. He deserved it, right? He hadn’t had the taste of home in so long, and now it was so close,” I think… that’ll work.”</p>
<p>                His friend smiled wide and happily walked them both inside, waving to the woman at the counter who happily waved back when she recognized the two young men who had entered. “Ah, boys! It has been so long.”</p>
<p>                The woman walked over,” You have been busy?”</p>
<p>                Phichit sighed dramatically, nodding with a pout,” Life has just gotten so in the way, but now we can finally come to eat some delicious comfort food.”</p>
<p>                Yuuri stood beside his friend silently with a small relaxed smile. This atmosphere was one he really had missed. The woman, Mrs. Saito, had always treated them like family ever since they moved to America. She had always reminded him of his own mother in ways, especially with how close her Katsudon recipe was to his mother’s.</p>
<p>                Mrs. Saito smiled and shuffled them into the dining room,” Sit where you like boys. Do you need menu?”</p>
<p>                Phichit shook his head,” Two waters and two bowls of Katsudon please!” He sat down happily at a table they usually sat at that was near the back corner of the restaurant. Cozy and out of sight.</p>
<p>                Yuuri got comfortable and Phichit smiled,” I got you something today while I was out with Seung. He wanted to go into the bookstore, and I’ve been hearing about a book written about a musical. I thought you might like it.” Phichit reached into his bag and pulled out a book. <em>Dear Evan Hansen, The Novel. </em>He handed it to him with a smile,” I’ve heard really good things about the musical and I thought you’d like it if you get the time to read it.”</p>
<p>                He held it in his hands and hummed, opening it to glance at the first line. ‘I made my exit.’ He blinked a little. Was it… what he thought it was about? He had always thought it was about some sort of letter or something. He let his eyes skim the page farther and realize this was simply an intro page. He would read it later… maybe when he was in a little better mindset.</p>
<p>                He put it beside him and smiled at Phichit,” Thanks Peach. I’ll give it a read. Maybe I’ll read a chapter tomorrow after our jog tomorrow.”</p>
<p>                They continued to chat about random things while they waited for their meal, sipping on the water that Mrs. Saito brought to them. Phichit suggested that maybe Yuuri should make a gluten-free option or sugar-free or even just a non-baked meal for a change of pace next time. Yuuri admitted that he enjoyed the idea and made a few notes on his phone. Maybe some vegetarian options sometime? Or something that would go with his diet and still be delicious.</p>
<p>                Yuuri had no idea what he would do without Phichit. Not have a YouTube channel for sure, but also… probably not be eating near as much as he is now or at all. Maybe… dead.</p>
<p>                Having his friend kept him grounded in a way. Phichit offered him a small sanctuary from his own inner demons if only for small bits of time, and if the demons were too strong he would stay with him, or reassure him as many times as he needed that he wasn’t going to stop being his friend because of how messed up his head was.</p>
<p>                Yuuri was so thankful for Phichit, even if sometimes he just couldn’t see it through the fog of depression that firmly gripped his mind.</p>
<p>                Together they had a fine night together as Phichit distracted his friend momentarily of the cause of his current anxieties. They ate. They laughed. They enjoyed the momentary peace of Yuuri’s mind.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you're all doing well. I should be able to write this a bit faster now that finals are almost done. (I'm a Junior in College, so it's a bit intense right now). Good luck on all of your finals if you have them. Make sure to take a break if you start getting drained. Trust me, trying to work through a panic attack does more harm than good (one of my essays I just turned in is proof of that). I love you all and wish you well. </p>
<p>Btw, I have the climax of this story planned out because this was literally all planned during a huge downward spike when I heard a certain song. No clue how long it will take to get to that point yet though.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The night of fun had been a good break for Yuuri’s sanity. He still felt rattled the next day as he was settling himself down at his desk to begin editing and condensing the stream down to a video for his channel. He cuddled up with a cup of tea and a blanket as he put on his headset to begin working. First, he would have to go through and cut out all of the bits where it was just talking with the audience, especially the bake time. He likely wouldn’t keep in all of the frosting footage either unless he sped it up like a montage.</p>
<p>                He hummed as he looked at his editing software. He worked through the footage, taking out chunks of chit-chat from the beginning and clipping the usable things together with colorful animated transitions.</p>
<p>                Hours later when he was satisfied with his work, he put his animated intro that Phichit had made for him. He recorder a short voiced over intro that was laid over a montage of footage of the completed cupcakes from the stream,” Hello foodies! This is just a classic cupcake recipe from a past stream, but in the end, there’s some pretty yummy results. Enjoy!”</p>
<p>                Yuuri added it and watched everything together to make sure it had turned out well. The video when condensed had turned out to be about 20 minutes or so. He got it set up to upload at his usual upload time and leaned back, finishing off his tea.</p>
<p>                Now, he had a bit of time to reflect… Phichit had told him Victor had watched him for a while now. Could that possibly be true? Such a famous influencer was actually taking time out of their schedules to watch the things Yuuri had made? His content wasn’t anywhere near good enough to warrant Victor’s attention though, right? It was just… sub-par at best. He only made videos at first to archive recipes. People must stay because the food is decent. That can be the only explanation. Yuuri knew he good at making food.</p>
<p>                Standing up, he decided he would make himself a small lunch. Phichit would be so proud. Yuuri felt like he deserved it after working so hard on the video, and of course, a salad would do him good.</p>
<p>                Phichit came over for dinner that night since Yuuri was feeling a bit drained still. Yuuri accepted his offer to let him cook, which was rare these days. Phichit had also told Yuuri he had something he wanted to talk to him about over dinner, and it was well known that the best place for Yuuri to take news was in his apartment where he felt safest.</p>
<p>                Soon he was letting his friend in with a smile,” Hey Peach. Kitchen’s yours tonight.”</p>
<p>                His bubbly friend smiled and held up a bag of ingredients,” I brought the stuff to make Pad Thai!”</p>
<p>                Yuuri smiled. That sounded good, especially homemade. He stepped aside to let him in and shut the door behind him,” So, what’d you want to talk about?”</p>
<p>                Phichit toed his shoes off and placed them by Yuuri’s at the door,” We’ll get to that later. First, let’s go cook.” Yuuri laughed a bit and followed behind Phichit, smiling as he rolled up his sleeves a bit to make cooking more comfortable. He had nothing to hide from Phichit. He knew about his struggles, and even though Phichit didn’t like it he didn’t call Yuuri crazy like so many others have. Phichit hadn’t tried to force Yuuri in to help he wasn’t ready for.</p>
<p>                While his friend was busy setting out ingredients and gathering tools, Yuuri got down a Bluetooth speaker,” Want to connect your phone?” Phichit looked back and smiled wide,” Of course. We can have a dance party while we cook!” They laughed as they scrolled through Phichit’s playlists to decide on one. They decided on an upbeat one that was easy to dance to.</p>
<p>                They got the music started as they worked together around the kitchen to prepare their dinner, dancing and singing dramatically to each new song that played. This had been something they used to do weekly, but it was a rare luxury now that they both had some online presence to tend to. They weren’t simply two boys who met in a skating fan forum anymore.</p>
<p>                Laughing filled the air around them and the topic Phichit was going to bring up was forgotten by Yuuri as he twirled around the kitchen, swaying his hips to songs fit for a club scene. Phichit laughed and swayed his hips while he plated the now finished Pad-Thai. “Yuuri, It’s doooone~. It smells so yummy.”</p>
<p>                Yuuri smiled and sat down at a stool at his island,” Looks delicious too. Can we post a picture of it on the KatsuDamn Instagram?” Phichit was already taking a beauty shot of the food, “Way ahead of you beau~” He sent the picture to Yuuri so he could post it. Yuuri happily pickled up his chopsticks to start eating as he posted it with the name of the dish, drooling emojis, and tagging Phichit before using a few hashtags. He laid his phone to the side and hummed in delight at the taste of the Pad Thai they’d made.</p>
<p>                They laughed and joked while they ate. It was a fun night between good friends. Eventually, they moved to the couch after they had cleaned up, leaning against each other as they watched some movie about everybody forgetting the Beetles. Phichit looked over at Yuuri,” Yknow how I said I had something to talk to you about?”</p>
<p>                He blinked and nodded. He yawned and spoke lazily,” Oh yeah. What did you need?”</p>
<p>                Phichit looked over at Yuuri,” Well… I was with Victor yesterday because we were filming a make-up video together. We got to talking about you a little bit- I didn’t tell him your name!” He quickly assured Yuuri when he saw a bit of panic crossing his face. “But, he wants you to do a video with you.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                Yuuri’s eyes were wide. Had he actually heard Phichit correctly? Victor Nikiforov, God of YouTube, wanted to make a video with him? Yuuri opened his mouth a few times to respond but closed it again when he realized he still had no clue what to say. Finally, he settled on a response. “Why?”</p>
<p>                Phichit groaned, “Why? Why not? You’re amazing at what you do, and Victor wants to actually learn how to cook. He’ll get life skills and you’ll get to ogle at your favorite hunky internet boy. Win-win!”</p>
<p>                A deep blush spread across Yuuri’s face at being called out on his blatant crush,” B-but… What if he thinks I’m too fat? O-or ugly? O-or anything!” He gripped the hem of his shirt anxiously. He knew his worries seemed so obscure and ridiculous, but it was one of the reasons he didn’t show his face or share his name. It was a little easier to separate himself from mean comments when they couldn’t have his name in them or be about his looks really. Though, those about his body did still get to him.</p>
<p>                “Oh, sweetie.” Phichit hugged him,” He wouldn’t say things like that. I promise he’s a really sweet guy, but I won’t force you to meet him if you don’t want to.”</p>
<p>                Yuuri stared at the floor as he let himself be held by his friend. He did want to meet Victor. It’d been something he’d wanted for a long time, but now that he was faced with the actual possibility it scared him. He bit his lip,” W-what if… we did a phone call before actually meeting? S-so he doesn’t see my face or know my name. I… I can decide if I trust him?”</p>
<p>                The Thai boy nodded with a soft encouraging smile,” Of course. Do you want me to give you his number so that you can call him on your own time? I’ll make sure he knows you have it.”</p>
<p>                Nodding, Yuuri leaned back into the couch,” Uhm… W-would it be okay for us to use your phone? I-I could probably talk to him now… I-if you’re here and help me.” He scratched at his thighs a bit anxiously. This was so out of his comfort zone. He had no clue why he had even decided to do this to himself, but maybe it’d work out well?</p>
<p>                Phichit pulled out his phone. “Are you sure Yuuri? I’ll send him a text to make sure he’s free if you are.” After receiving a nod from his friend, he sent off a text to request a call with Victor so that they could discuss what he might want to do a video about.</p>
<p>                A reply came soon after, confirming the man was free to call whenever the two wanted. Yuuri tugged down his sleeves, self consciously hiding the evidence of the harm he’d inflicted on himself. Even if Victor couldn’t see it, he felt extra self-conscious knowing the scars and wounds were visible while he was preparing to talk to such a perfect being.</p>
<p>                With a glance to Yuuri, Phichit began a call with Victor with the call on speaker so they could both speak with the man on the other end. Soon, the ringing stopped and moments later a tenor toned accented voice spoke,” Hello?”</p>
<p>                Anxiety was beginning to rise in Yuuri as he heard the voice. Dear God, why did he agree to this!? Why was this his idea! If he couldn’t even stay calm just hearing his voice, how would he act around the man in person if that ever were to happen?</p>
<p>                Phichit took pity on his panicking friend and spoke to Victor with a familiarity Yuuri hadn’t expected,” Victor! How are you?”</p>
<p>                Yuuri could have died. He still didn’t know how his best friend could be so close to his idol and not have told him until now. There was an obvious joy in the tone Victor replied with,” I’ve been okay. What about you? You told me you were with your friend tonight I thought.”</p>
<p>                He glanced over to Yuuri as he spoke,” Oh, yeah. We made Thai food. It was really fun and tasted great. Buuuuut… Remember how you mentioned how you wanted to do a video with Katsu? Well, I’m at his place right now and he said he’d be more comfortable talking to you on the phone first. He’s very shy. You probably know he doesn’t show his face or anything really personal.” Hums of confirmation could be heard from Victor, so Phichit continued. “Katsu just wanted to make sure you don’t see his face yet. Like I said, he’s really shy.”</p>
<p>                Victor chuckled a little. Some shuffling was heard and some muffled talking. Soon it was quiet, and Victor spoke,” Apologies for the noise. I left Chris to fend for himself for a few minutes, but he’ll be fine. I’m glad Katsu agreed to speak with me at all. He’s probably a busy man with everything he’s always making.”</p>
<p>                Yuuri flushed a little at the subtle praise. Did Victor know it was on speakerphone? Did he know that Yuuri could hear every word? Phichit smiled wide,” I know. He’s great, right?” A sound of confirmation was heard from Victor’s end. Yuuri bit his lip a bit,” Thank you, I guess. I-it’s really not that hard though.”</p>
<p>                Phichit was so proud of his friend for speaking without being prompted.</p>
<p>                “Oh!” Victor exclaimed suddenly,” Katsu! I’m so glad to hear from you. How are you tonight? I certainly hope you’re well.”</p>
<p>                Yuuri hummed and relaxed into the couch. Maybe… it wasn’t so bad? “I-I’m all right. Nervous to be talking to you. You’re such a bigger presence online than I am. I’m trying to wrap my head around that you want to make a video with me of all people.”</p>
<p>                A gasp was heard over the phone. Victor quickly tried to defend Yuuri from his own belittling,” You of all people? You’re one of my favorite channels to watch, even if anything I made usually turns out inedible. You’re so talented and I really hope you can help me learn how to cook something, even if it’s freakishly basic. I even promise that your face won’t be shown if you agree to this. No social media posts will show anything except what you’re comfortable with.”</p>
<p>                Yuuri smiled a little bit. This didn’t seem like the guy he saw on the screen. He seemed… more approachable when he wasn’t on camera for some reason,” O-okay. Well… I-I can find some recipes that should be easy… W-where should we do this?”</p>
<p>                Phichit hummed off to the side,” Victor’s place would probably be best to keep privacy. Katsu and I can go shopping for whatever we need before the video.”</p>
<p>                Victor piped in,” If you send me a list I can get the stuff.”</p>
<p>                Biting his lip nervously, Yuuri spoke gently,” I appreciate it, but I prefer shopping for things I’m cooking with. I know how to gauge what’s best with stuff. S-sorry if that seems… weird.”</p>
<p>                Victor chuckled softly on the other end,” It seems perfectly fine to me. You know what you’re looking for, and I can respect that. I don’t let people buy makeup for me that often since I know what colors and shades I want, so I guess it’s sort of similar?”</p>
<p>                Yuuri smiled. He was so glad he understood. “W-well… I suppose you should have my number now… N-not just Phichit’s?” He glanced at Phichit, giving him a desperate look. Phichit gave him a knowing smile and sent Yuuri’s number to Victor while they were on call before chiming in,” I sent you Katsu’s number! Just text him your name so he can add you to his contacts, kay?”</p>
<p>                Victor hummed,” Thank you. I look forward to working with you Katsu.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>They finally interacted officially guys :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Hiatus...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     I apologize for this sudden announcement of hiatus, but some shit happened and I fell into a huge pit of depression. I literally feel like I could jump off a bridge right now and not fucking give a shit. I'm really sorry. I'll get back to this story eventually, but that might be in a few days or a few weeks. It might be months. I have no clue. Depends on how long I feel like fucking dying. Again, apologies for this inconvenience. I'll try to get over myself and continue as soon as I can.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Setting up a time to film that worked for them both proved to be quite difficult. When Victor was free, Yuuri was usually filming for his own channel and when Yuuri was free, Victor had prior arrangements. Yuuri bit his lip as he looked through his calendar. He could push back some filming to work with Victor. Maybe Victor would be willing to film two videos? One for each channel?</p><p>                He looked at his phone and debated on messaging Victor his idea. What if he didn’t like it though? His grip tightened on his phone a little, a bit of frustration growing. Why was this even a question? Victor was the one who’d initially approached him for this collab, so why was his stupid fucked up brain making this so complicated!?</p><p>                Yuuri felt stinging in his eyes and clenched his teeth. He let his phone fall from his hands with a soft thud onto the desk beside him. A sharp inhale of breath was suddenly followed by a loud sob. He crossed his arms and hid his face in his arms, the action pushing his glasses up into his hair as his body was racked with sobs.</p><p>                ‘Why am I like this? Why can’t I just make normal decisions without breaking down!?’ Yuuri hated himself. He hated that simple things like this could get him into this state. The worst part of it all was that he KNEW it was irrational. He knew it wasn’t normal, but he couldn’t change how he reacted to these situations. He couldn’t control the panic and anxiety that wrecked his mind and body.</p><p>                He screamed into his arms, hands gripping his hair tightly as tears flowed hot down his face. What if Victor decided he was too much work to deal with? What if Victor saw one of these attacks? What if…</p><p>                A chime on his phone to the side startled him. With a blurry glance over he could see it was Victor calling. Fuck. He couldn’t answer like this. He scrambled to try to wipe his face. He looked like a mess with some tears still flowing. He couldn’t just ignore him though. His heart was pounding as he answered with a quiet,” H-hello?”</p><p>                Victor’s voice immediately came through,” Katsu?... Are you all right?”</p><p>                Suddenly all the work he had just done in the few seconds to calm himself a bit was gone and another sob left him. Why did he have to ask!? He tried to blubber out an excuse, but he was beyond comprehension.</p><p>                “Katsu? Do you need me to call Phichit? O-or anything?” There was obvious worry in the other man’s voice. Yuuri was able to croak out a ‘no’ as he cried. He wiped his eyes and nose with a tissue and took a breath,” S-sorry.” The sobs were a bit more under control now. “I-I’m really s-sorry you had to hear that… I’m fine.”</p><p>                “Are you sure? Do you need anything? I’m not busy. I can come over and talk if you want. O-only if that’s not too much of course! I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Victor’s voice was a bit frantic.</p><p>                Yuuri smiled just a little through the remaining tears. Maybe he didn’t have much to worry about. “I think I’ll be okay… Just got to thinking about too much. Thanks for the offer though.” He took a steadying breath,” You called though. What did you need?”</p><p>                Victor made a sound like he had just remembered,” Oh! Yes, I’d just had an idea I’d wanted to spring on you. You mentioned having a few ideas of what to make, yea?” Yuuri made a sound of confirmation. “Well, I was thinking that we could host some polls and such leading up to our collab as a lead up to get our fans excited. Maybe make a few videos. Some for each channel if you want?”</p><p>                Yuuri started to calm down a bit. It couldn’t be a terrible idea if Victor had a similar idea. He let out a relieved breath,” Yeah. That sounds good. I… We should probably meet before we film.” He was so anxious. “You know, so we can get the awkwardness of first meetings out of the way off of camera and such.” So Victor had the chance to run away.</p><p>                Victor chuckled,” Well, how about lunch sometime? We can go out so that you don’t have to cook. Maybe a shopping trip? Just hang out?”</p><p>                He leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes as he calmed down after the storm. “That sounds nice… When should we do it though?”</p><p>                A hum was heard and some flipping of pages,” Uh… Are you free today?”</p><p>                Yuuri’s heart jumped,” U-uh yeah. Uhm… c-can you give me a few hours to get ready? I-I look like a huge mess.”</p><p>                “I totally understand. Just send me a time and your address and I’ll pick you up. Doesn’t even have to be your address. Could be a local park!”</p><p>                With a deep breath Yuuri fixed his glasses,” Okay. I-I’ll see you later?”</p><p>                A sound of confirmation and the call ended. Yuuri looked at his phone and looked up the address for the park 3 blocks away, sending it to Victor with the knowledge it was a park and to meet him by the fountain in the center. He told him to meet him there at noon, which was in 3 hours. That would give him plenty of time to calm down before they actually met, right?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I apologize for that hiatus I took. Still feeling like shit, but I had Animal Crossing now and it's cute, so when I'm feeling like shit I just open it and talk to my villagers. (one of them serenaded me in the plaza last night and it's official guys, I would die for them).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oops. Didn't realize I didn't post this.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                Wrong. Yuuri was now sitting on a bench in front of the fountain at 11:45 panicking. As soon as he had ended the call with Victor, he had phoned Phichit while he showered. He had to scrub himself from head to toe. He’d had to wrap his arms to avoid some cuts that had reopened bleeding through his sleeves due to the vigorous scrubbing.</p>
<p>                During the call, Phichit had managed to ease his mind a bit though. Obviously, Victor wanted to meet him if he had arranged this without knowing what Yuuri even looked like. He assured Yuuri over and over that he could always change his mind at any time.</p>
<p>                Yuuri hadn’t changed his mind though, which was what brought him to the park in a large hoodie and jeans. He knew he probably looked really plain to be meeting Victor, but he didn’t want to stand out. He waited, sitting with his legs pulled up on the bench as he waited. He took slow, deep breaths to calm himself. This was a step in getting better like Phichit wanted… right? Being able to go out like this?</p>
<p>                He laid his head on his knees with his eyes closed. Any time now…</p>
<p>                After a few more moments of quiet, the silence was disturbed by footsteps. Yuuri listened closely to them. They were certainly heading right towards him. Oh God.</p>
<p>                An all too familiar voice spoke,” Excuse me, sir? I was just wondering if you happened to be who I was meeting here?”</p>
<p>                Yuuri’s heart clenched at the question. This was his final chance to escape. He could say no and go home. He opened his eyes, staring down at Victor’s shoes. Much more casual than he expected… Converse. His shoulders relaxed a bit upon seeing the shoes similar to his own and he looked up at the tall male. “Y-yeah.” He gave a shy smile,” S-sorry I didn’t give you a picture o-or anything… I-it didn’t cross my mind.”</p>
<p>                Victor’s expression turned from the casual politeness of a stranger to a more relaxed look upon learning he had found Katsu.” I’m just glad I found you. May I?” He gestured to the space beside Yuuri, causing the raven-haired male to sputter and shift to move over a bit to make room for Victor to sit. Victor chuckled and sat beside him,” So… what should I call you? I can keep calling you Katsu if you want?”</p>
<p>                Yuuri hummed as he thought about it. He didn’t really mind Victor knowing his name he supposed. He shook his head and looked over to him timidly,” M-my name’s Yuuri. Just… secret?” Victor smiled and nodded,” Of course. No pictures of you or information will be leaked on my end. You want your privacy, and you deserve that. It makes me a little jealous sometimes.” He laughed.</p>
<p>                He blinked some, looking up at the other,” Do… do you not have any privacy?” He hadn’t ever really given it any thought that the people online who showed their faces and shared their names didn’t have much control over what was shared on their own. Victor hummed and shrugged,” Sometimes I regret posting my face, but there's perks too. I just don’t get out much without being recognized. So, I was thinking we could change the plans a little?” He leaned back and looked up at the trees. “I just don’t want you having to deal with my crazy fans since you have the whole anonymous thing. I don’t want them to ruin that for you.”</p>
<p>                They sat there silent for a moment while they both thought. “So…” Began Yuuri,” My apartment is only a few blocks away…” He shifted some. “W-we could… just… do something there?” Dear God, he wished Phichit was here to witness this sudden burst of bravery. He had really just invited somebody over! Victor Nikiforov of all people to be exact!</p>
<p>                “If you’re comfortable with that. If not, we could go to mine. I really am sorry to spring this on you so suddenly by the way. This was my only free day for a few weeks.” Victor sighed. Yuuri frowned a little. He seemed exhausted. He looked down at his hands in thought. Maybe… “How about… we go to yours and make something for lunch? Choose anything. I-It’s something Phichit and I do sometimes.”</p>
<p>                Victor blinked as he looked at him and a smile slowly broke out across his face. This smile seemed less… closed-off than those Yuuri had always seen online. It seemed genuine, which made him feel less anxious about his decisions around Victor,” Yeah. I do have a roommate though… I can have him leave.” Yuuri shook his head,” It’s okay. I know. C-Chris right?” A nod confirmed it was, in fact, Chris.  Another person was both comforting and frightening. There wouldn’t be as much pressure on him to keep the conversation alive with a third person.</p>
<p>                Together, they walked to Victor’s car. This car was not the bright pink convertible with vanity plates Yuuri had hyped himself up to expect from the vlogs it had been featured in. This was a white Jeep with no special plates of any sort. Yuuri wouldn’t have recognized this car as Victor’s at all. Victor seemed to notice the surprise and chuckled,” I figured I’d bring out the daily car instead of the video car. Nobody knows I have this, so it’s easier to go unnoticed.” He winked and brought his fingers up in a ‘hush’ motion,” Secret.”</p>
<p>                After it was unlocked, Yuuri climbed in the passenger side with a small smile,” That makes sense. And yeah… Secret.”</p>
<p>                On the way there they mostly remained in silence while Yuuri scrolled through his Pinterest account for recipe ideas. Occasionally he would toss out an idea to Victor for his opinion. Eventually, they decided to make pizza since it was always fun to customize things, but Yuuri declared they were making it from scratch. It would take a shopping trip though. He doubted Victor had yeast with his level of cooking skills.</p>
<p>                Victor hummed as he pulled into his apartment building,” If you give Chris and me a list we can go get everything you need while you get familiar with the kitchen?” Yuuri nodded,” That sounds good.”</p>
<p>                The drive there had been about half an hour. He didn’t feel nearly as anxious around Victor as he had before they met in the park. During the ride, he’d made up a list on his phone for them to go off of when they went shopping.</p>
<p>                Soon, Victor pulled up to a large building. He parked in a garage and smiled.” We’ve arrived. I’m in the penthouse.” Victor’s eyes widened and he groaned,” I forgot to ask if you minded dogs…” Yuuri smiled a little and he shook his head,” I-I don’t mind them. You’re talking about Makkachin, right? I used to have a poodle when I still lived in Japan.”</p>
<p>                Calm washed over Victor and he smiled,” I hope you don’t mind her being a bit excited to see you then. She’s also a fan of your videos.” He chuckled as they got out and walked towards the entrance of the building. Yuuri smiled upon hearing about Makkachin watching with Victor,” She’s got to be my cutest fan by far then.”</p>
<p>                Yuuri smiled some as they spoke about Makkachin and the mishaps she often got up to. Victor claimed she was very photogenic, but she also had a knack for getting into all of the trouble she could find. They laughed as they waited for the elevator to arrive to carry them to the floor containing Victor’s apartment.</p>
<p>                They came to a door and Victor put his hand on the knob,” I hope you’re ready to meet her.” Yuuri smiled and nodded. He was actually a bit eager to meet Makkachin. The door was opened. Victor put his keys on a hook by the door and Yuuri heard claws ticking on the floor down a hall. He almost didn’t see the curly poodle who jumped right up on him.</p>
<p>                A low ‘oof’ escaped him and he found himself on the ground under a very excited poodle. After gaining a sense of what happened he smiled some and cooed at her, petting her as she licked his face.</p>
<p>                Above them, Victor fussed and tried to pull Makkachin off,” Makka, no! That’s not how you greet guests! Young lady, you have better manners than this!” A whine sounded from Makka at being scolded and she sat back.</p>
<p>                Victor groaned,” She usually doesn’t topple people over like that. I’m so sorry.” He held a hand out to help Yuuri up. Yuuri laughed a bit and took it. Victor pulled him from the ground and chuckled nervously,” I hope that didn’t ruin your impression of us?”</p>
<p>                Yuuri shook his head quickly,” Not at all!” He hummed and ruffled Makka’s ears a bit with a smile. “I didn’t mind it really. I know I said I had a poodle, but mine was a toy poodle. He was much smaller. I love poodles of all sizes though. I guess you could call it a weakness.”</p>
<p>                They laughed a bit and a voice from the hall called,” Done flirting Victor?” The two began sputtering about how that most certainly wasn’t what was happening while Victor’s roommate, Chris, laughed. He walked over,” I’m just teasing. You must be Katsu, non?”</p>
<p>                He nodded and sorted himself out,” Y-yeah.” He smoothed his clothes self-consciously. He was in a room with two very attractive people that the internet raved about and there he was looking ruffled. “You can just call me Yuuri though. P-please don’t spread that information around though.”</p>
<p>                Chris hummed and smiled,” Of course.  I know well you like your secrecy. I do the cooking around here after all. My skills aren’t near yours, but I don’t burn everything like Victor.” A pouty ‘hey’ came from Victor.</p>
<p>                Yuuri giggled a bit and hummed,” Hopefully he can learn some basic skills through this then so you can trade off cooking sometimes.” He held up his phone,” I’m going to text Victor a list of some things to get so we can make pizzas tonight. I-is that okay?”</p>
<p>                The blond looked at the list and smiled,” That sounds divine. I’ll make sure he gets the right things. Hold down the fort with Makka, won’t you deary?”</p>
<p>                He smiled softly as he texted the list off to Victor. “You can also get some other things you like for pizza.” He hummed and looked at the fluffy poodle lounging by the couch,” I don’t think I’ll have a problem doing that.”</p>
<p>                Soon, Yuuri waved as the roommates left and he smiled a little bit. He shut the door and looked down to Makka who made her home at his hip,” Let’s go get me comfortable with the kitchen, yeah?”</p>
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